In the Bleak Midwinter - there is hope

Regardless of what Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, and Oprah say, sometimes the best gifts at Christmas are the re-gifted ones. My family found out last Thursday, after my mom had to go to the emergency room in tremendous pain, that there was a large tumor growing inside her about the size of a large grapefruit. That emotionally charged and frightening word "cancer" has hung in the air all weekend, especially scary for my dad who is also sick with Parkinsons. Yesterday as I waited with my dad in the waiting room for my mom to come out of surgery, we talked about how different Christmas would be this year - not the same as the joyous Christmases of the past with our many family traditions. I knew it would be different this year, it's already passed me by a little and hasn't been as much in my heart as in times past. The challenges and experiences of this year have definitely weighed heavily upon my heart and now this one rejuvenating, merry holiday was marked by this dark cloud, this heavy sadness with the potential to usurp the joy of the season. But somehow, and to my amazement, I didn't feel what I thought I would. I just felt a pure and simple hope - not that nothing bad or sad would happen, but a hope that all potential sadness, loss, weakness, could be overcome and by that I mean Christ can make us better inside. He can truly heal us and strengthen us. Things we never thought we could do or endure are always possible with Him. I didn't expect to write all that in my blog but it just came out and even though I often struggle to believe that I pray everyday to believe that more and more. I felt that yesterday - the true gift of Christmas, and the gift of having the good news that my mother is well. The tumor was benign and the surgery was a success. The doctor came out and told us around 6:30pm. It is a great blessing and gift to have mom back, and to be reminded of the gift she is and the gift that family relationships truly are. All seven of us kids and my dad gathered around her bed last night as she came back from recovery and we said a family prayer together. How grateful I am for my family this Christmas and for the gifts the Savior gives that we don't always realize are gifts. I am grateful for that.

Now, to transition to a few of the things that have happened since I last wrote which was a long time ago cause I've been a slacker. I went to California a couple of weeks ago to sustain my complicated Catherine-like lifestyle. I flew back to substitute for one day so I keep my health beneftis and this time I went to teach in Compton. I didn't have my own car with me so I relied on the mercy of my uncle and a great friend in Huntington Beach to drive and pick me up. They both have pretty nice cars so I was a bit concerned for them but they thought I was worth the risk so I'm very grateful to them. I love the contrast between Salt Lake and LA. It's always good to be reminded what it feels like to be in the minority (not many pasty-white redheads around Compton).

I was also so hungry that day I actually broke down and bought school lunch. I know, I shocked even myself. I didn't even eat school lunch when I was in school, especially not tater-tots, but it gave me enough energy to finish out the day reading the Crucible with the the juniors and seniors. I also made a trip to Disneyland while I was there and had two glorious runs on the beach wearing shorts and a tank-top. Such a far cry from my running in Utah - fleece pants, three shirts, and a headband, and worse I haven't been able to get up in the morning and go like I usually do. Something about the complete darkness, freezing temperatures, and slippery roads that discourages me a little. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I also took a shopping trip to my favorite store in the world Trader Joes and got some Peppermint Joe Joe's dipped in chocolate. What a good trip. Still loving my roommate, my guitar time, and have a bunch of movies and books I'm looking forward to devouring this holiday break. Thought I've also got a lot of writing to do so we'll see how much I get done. Life...life is quite an amazing journey. Happy Christmas everyone (I like the way the British say it) and God bless us everyone.

D.I. Details

I recently completed perhaps my greatest acting feat to date in one of the most challenging roles I've ever taken on - an employee at Deseret Industries. I like to think my character Margaret is based on the crazy part of myself that only comes out when I'm talking to myself in the shower...or in the car, especially at night when I think nobody can see me. Margaret is a spazzy, distracted, tangent-centered worker who puts chocolate candy bars in her pocket until they melt and then offers them to her supervisors (I added that little detail myself). A couple of producer assistants and I were helping with job coach training for the DI supervisors and managers who came from Washington, California, Arizona, etc... It was actually a lot of fun and it was a nice change of pace to wear ripped jeans and over-sized sweatshirts to work instead of nylons and skirts. I'm considering adopting the character of Margaret permanently after a number of the employees in training asked if I (Catherine Cook) was anything like my character cause they'd love to hang out with Margaret and go with her on some of her tangents. Hmm...I'll have to consider that, though most of my tangents take place inside my own mind reminding me of the line in Brandi Carlile's song "all of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know my head is a mess..." That's definitely me!
Still loving Millcreek though the fall leaves are just about gone and now my legs turn pink when I run cause it's getting cold. My brother keeps telling me to buy running tights but I like to think I'm still in California. Speaking of running, I actually came in as the 2nd place girl in a 5K at Sugarhouse Park yesterday and to be honest I wasn't really even trying to win. It made me feel kind of good, like I'd accomplished something (as if being DI Margaret wasn't enough.) I've been wondering why I never took track in highschool. How fast would I have been 10 years ago. I'm such a late bloomer. I've also been thinking about heart disease lately - a different kind than the cholesterol one. Here it is: When you get involved with people that have messed up hearts they invariably mess up yours too. I think it's contagious. So then when you start dating someone else your messed up heart then probably messes up theirs. It's a horrible cycle and incredibly unfair. Forget STDs, how about ETDs - emotionally transmitted diseases. Stop the madness. Please straighten out your own heart before you try and win someone else's, including mine. Excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas and yes I will be going to see Twilight when it opens this Friday (though not the midnight showing. I don't want to fall asleep on Edward.)

Millcreek Mecca

So I've made the foot of Millcreek canyon my mecca for the rest of 2008 with one of the best and cleanest roommates I've ever had - my brother. Yes we do get the occasional 'are you married or are you brother and sister' question to which we respond yes. We got a lot of furniture from family and friends and it's pretty dang nice too. Maybe I should have just done that in the first place instead of scavenging for free furniture in the alleyways (Naa). I still miss that big gold frame in my old yellow-walled LA apartment. I'll toast to those good memories in my new set of IKEA wine glasses, or I should say pomegranate juice glasses. The best part of where I live now is that Millcreek Canyon is a run away - granted a long run but do-able. I did it today. The fall leaves are absolutely magical and inspiring - and if you know me then you know when I say magical I mean it. I go up there with my running shoes and ipod and just let go of everything and let in the wonders of the moment and being alive. It absolutely invigorates me and in a way fills in for the ocean I left behind. Like most things I know the autumn colors won't last much longer so I'm enjoying every leaf of it while I can. I'm really enjoying work in spite of having to wear nylons, and the people we work with. We started a weekly lunch club and get together to discuss everything from Kierkegaard to Arrested Development. I'd like the lunches to be European style - 2-3 hours - but I guess I'll settle for the American way. We'll just talk faster. We went to our new singles ward this past Sunday. The RS President had us say our ages in the new member meeting (not appreciated) but I feel no shame in who I am and where I'm at - in some ways I'm better than I've ever been - so I said my real age. They "consoled" me by telling me not to worry, there are a few other members older than me. Thanks so much. I guess I can be the old lady in the ward. I do have a rocking chair in my room. My dad didn't want it to go to waste and actually I like it. So even though the average age is about 21 (can barely believe it) I'm sure I'll enjoy it and it helps that the bishopric and ward members are really friendly. I'm still looking at grad school as a possibility. My old professors at the U of U actually remember me or at least that my hair looks different. One even had an old paper of mine in his stack of "A" papers. That made me feel kind of good. I'm also still working on my book and plan to finish by the end of the year. It's one of the endeavors I feel my heart the most in right now and I need that.
I also want to take this opportunity to say how much I love the DI. We've found some great things and it's good to be able to toast bread again. Sometimes I don't know how it happens but I'm feeling very hopeful and can say life is good. Milton said each of us is a ruler of our kingdom. In the last year I've learned more and more to compare less and less and simply do my best to rule this sometimes complicated but fascinating kingdom that is me.
I will miss my favorite month of October but look forward to what lies ahead.

October Rush

My favorite month is here and one good thing about being in Utah is I get to actually enjoy autumn and all the beautiful colors - that is if the snow doesn't ruin it all first. The makeup lady at Macy's once told me my coloring was "Autumn Harmony" so maybe my liking for the season is something genetic. I just got back from another visit to California where, in my crazy life, I had to drive to get a smog test to keep my car registered in California and I had to substitute teach two days so I can keep my great benefits for two more months (I'm keeping my options open). It's inspiring teaching kids who would rather put on three layers of makeup in class than actually learn about great American Literature. When asked about his plans for the future one 10th grade boy responded that he was just going to sell drugs. Wow, I miss subbing.
I saw a great play in Burbank on my trip too called R.R.R.E.D. - The Redhead Musical Manifesto. It was hilarious and it validated my redheaded trials and challenges including the obscene name calling in grade school. I'm still scarred. The show was based on the Oxford Study that redheads will become extinct in 2100 - perish the thought. Apparently all of us redheads have to do our part to make sure that doesn't happen (I won't say what that is here).
My redheaded brother Ben joined me for the weekend and we hung out with my old roommate Marcella and went to Griffith Observatory - something I'd never done in my 3years in LA - and also went to Canter's Jewish Deli, open 24 hours. It almost felt like I was in NY again minus the rude (yet strangely endearing) service. It was so fun to see old friends and all the people I love and miss in LA and Orange County. Of course we went to Disneyland too which was decorated for Halloween - gosh I love pumpkins! I also got to meet with Kamaria, my mentee for WriteGirl, and we did some writing together at Borders. All in all, it was a pretty productive trip and I'm missing California and the ocean again already - especially as it gets colder here.

So I guess it's back to work tomorrow in my nylons and skirt, working for the Man. There are some good things, though. I have rediscovered Ding Dongs while working at the COB - Church Office Building. My brother says I'm just another kernel on the COB. May I be the best kernel I can be.

Cravings

I guess it's about time for an update on my uncertain life. First and most important, I had my first candy corn craving a few weeks ago which means fall is in the air. Good things always happen for me in the fall even if they fall apart in the Spring (but I'm hoping that won't happen this time.) I've been working as a producer's assistant for the past month at the Church Office Building where I'm quite literally working for the Man. The adjustment to an office job again hasn't been easy and to make it even more of a challenge I have to wear nylons everyday (most people don't even know what those are anymore) and there's no caffeine on the premises which has been tough for my recent caffeine cravings. Smuggling in is an option, however. Many do it. I'm enjoying the work though, and I get to do writing and some work with media so it's going really well right now.

I've also been working on recording my first album - yeah okay so I'm a total amateur and I haven't even been playing the guitar for a year yet but it's been fun and really good for me and I'm learning a lot. The lead guitarist of the band "The Craving" (they have a great sound by the way) has generously and patiently been helping me produce my five songs. The album should be out out by Christmas. (It just sounds cool to say that.) I've also been thinking about going back to school next fall for a Master's degree. I'm looking at English programs and also went down to BYU (they also have no caffeine on the premises - unbelievable) and got some information on their program in social work. I'd have to sign up for classes now to be eligible to apply in January so that's pretty much out for now. And as much as I love English and literature I'm not sure I really want to be an academic and deconstruct for the rest of my life. I love learning and I'm a pretty driven person but I'm just not sure grad school is the way for me. I'm keeping my options open though. My twin nieces are here from California so the whole family's been able to get together and that's been great too. I'm so grateful for family. I really miss California but I've been trying to enjoy Utah. I went to the State Fair last week, went to a rodeo last night (and learned how they get the horses and bulls to buck - poor guys) and went rock climbing yesterday afternoon in Big Cottonwood Canyon. It was only my second time climbing but we did this really high 3-pitch climb and after I did it I was really amazed that I could. It built up my confidence and courage. I think there really is a tie between physical challenges and emotional or spiritual challenges. It felt really good to conquer some fears, or at least contend with them.

Brides, Batter, and Beauty

I returned to LA last week for a wedding in San Pedro overlooking the ocean. It was beautiful and quite a fun, and refreshingly intimate affair. Dinner, dancing, a program - much more interesting than a reception line. I was even given the opportunity to speak at the wedding and I have to admit I think it went pretty well. The wedding coordinator liked it, so I let her know I was available for hire to write speeches for future weddings (I'm always looking for a job). I admit I was a little nervous to go, but I listened to my elven battle ahead of time and tried to face my fears like a true warrior. It ended up going really well and I found myself in good company and well-taken care of thanks to good friends. I'm glad I went. I spent the rest of the weekend with my old roommate Marcella, who I lived with for all three of my years in the City of Angels, sometimes marked by hellish experiences that bonded us for life. We went to the fashion district on Saturday morning and to a non-English speaking Mexican restaurant for a European lunch. Any lunch where you aren't under any time constraints and you can just sit there for as long as you want and talk for as long as you want is a European lunch. That's how they do it there. I had a number of those kinds of meals on this trip and was grateful to just connect with old friends and strengthen relationships with the people I love and miss so much in California. Sunday morning, we discovered the joy of Blaster Batter for breakfast. It's basically pancake mix in a can, or you can use it for waffles too. Just spray and make a pancake in seconds (and believe it or not it's organic. I could actually pronounce all the ingredients.) Pretty amazing. Only took us 5 seconds to master the art of it. Oh the ingenuity that exists in the country to help us be that much lazier.
Sunday evening my aunt and uncle picked me up and drove me to their new beach house in Huntington Beach. What a great place. I went walking by the ocean and biking everyday I was there and got more free counseling. They're some of my favorite people to talk to. In fact I had a lot of good conversations with a number of interesting individuals on interesting topics, including why it is guys go for trophy girls (If anyone can shed any light on that feel free.) I got to hang out with another house of the coolest girls I know on 17th street. If they had room, I would move in with them. There's a number of places I could live, I'm just having a hard time deciding which one. A lot of variables and unknowns I'm trying to work out but I guess that's life. Speaking of life and European lunches, a year ago at this time I was actually in Europe - the reason I originally started this blog so people could be updated on my month long adventures there. My first country was Switzerland. So in honor of my being at the Matterhorn almost a year ago to the day, I went to the closest Matterhorn I know and spent the day at Disneyland. And yes I clicked my heels as I walked in the entrance under the bridge. After all these years, I still find Disneyland a magical place.

So the trip back to California was a good one, with some journal-worthy experiences that appealed to my good story senses (not going to post those here) and I realized how much I really miss California. Maybe I have become a California girl.

The GRE - Godless, Relegable, Enervating

I recently discovered I'm too dumb to go to graduate school. So what am I going to do now? I'm going to satiate myself with mint desserts and vampire stories (I wish I could say I'm going to Disneyland as I still have my annual pass, but soon enough. And yes I'm into the Twilight series too. It's my guilty pleasure). I took the GRE test Tuesday morning - that could have been my first mistake, my brain is slow in the morning. I thought I was doing quite well until I got to the math section and then an additional verbal section that threw me for a loop. The test nazis always throw in an unscored section just to play with your mind and you don't know which one it will be. I'm pretty sure the section I felt I nailed was the unscored one and the section I did the worst on was the scored. Isn't that the way it goes? It's like the selected vocabulary words they chose to test me on were the ones I just didn't have in the bible-thick stack of flashcards I've been studying with for the past month. And it's not like these are words you even use. Anyone know what soporific means? (Hint: sometimes going to a long meeting at church can make you feel this way.) Needless to say I didn't score as high as I'd hoped and probably below many schools cut-off requirements. After I left the student services building and shoved the rest of my granola bar in my mouth since we're not allowed to eat or drink during the four hour test, I decided I felt a little angry. I don't think a standardized test is a fair assessment of what I know and what I can do. Maybe I've just been out of school too long. I think they should have a life experience part of the test too, for example: If you order a hot dog from a street vendor in New York and ask for the works how many toppings are on your hot dog? Or, how about what kind of shoes hold up best when trekking around Europe for a month?
All I need to decide now is whether or not I should retake the test to try and get a better score, or take it as a sign that I'm not cut out for grad school and eliminate another possibility for my future (process of elimination as a means to eventually figure out what you want to do. I seem to be there now.) What's a beatnik gypsy to do?
Some good news - I got a Queen bed set and comforter for only $25. My mom and sister-in-law definitely love shopping and its' thrill of bargains more than I do but they inducted me in to their club of getting highs off amazing deals when we went to Mervyns for a 75% off sale plus bonuses. I have to admit, I felt a substantial buzz from the experience and liked it.
I've also been reminiscing about where I was at this time last year. Getting ready for my trip to Europe. I will never forget it and am so glad I could do it. Next time, I'm taking someone with me though.