Monday, February 28, 2011

The Redheaded Breadhead

Well if I accomplish nothing else in my life, at least I can say I received the prestigious "Breadhead of the Month" award (the bakery equivalent of employee of the month.) I have a new nickname to go with it too - the redheaded breadhead - which my co-workers and proud family now lovingly call me. I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry when they gave it to me but the thought passed through my head, "this is not my life." I had hoped I'd be achieving a little more at this point but I guess I'll take what I can get. It's not an Oscar but it's something.
I'm actually doing quite well and not because of anything quantifiable I can report. I'm just enjoying the work, I'm enjoying being in the ring, fighting the good fight everyday and trying to overcome the resistance to be better. One of my classmates lent me this great book to read called "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. I'm going to buy my own copy and read it again. It's all about battling (hooray for warrior metaphors) your own inner resistance, of listening to that little voice inside you that knows what you most want (or as Joseph Campbell called it following your bliss) and showing up to do the work. It doesn't matter what happens once it's out of your hands. If you show up to do the work, whether it's writing, music, marathons, whatever your heart's desire and regardless the outcome, there is enough joy in the trying and pursuing. And you know I've discovered for myself that there actually is. Maybe that's obvious, I've certainly heard it before and have probably been taught it too, but it hasn't really sunk in until now. Now I see better. For one like me who's always been so fixed on the outcome, the achievement, the resolution, the product, etc... and often fears that maybe whatever I do won't amount to anything, these new insights have been a good lesson. It really is all about the work, of learning to let go of the rest and what you can't control and being present in the work at the moment. It's getting out of your own ego more. I wish I could better elaborate but I'll leave it there. I know I still have much to learn and sometimes I have to remind myself of what Dora says in Finding Nemo: "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.... Sometimes on hard days all I can do is chant that to myself (and have some chocolate too.) I think I've become a chocolate junkie.
Other than that I'm still running, writing, riding the Big Blue Bus to UCLA. Life's pretty busy and good. I can't believe another month is gone. The end of my 2nd quarter is in 2 weeks. One more quarter, a whole new screenplay in 10 weeks this time, and that, we'll see...
And since I mentioned the Oscars earlier, so glad The King's Speech won best picture. That and Inception were my favorite films of the year. Well, on to March, the month of the Pisces, my month actually so maybe the whole Dora swimming thing is an apt description for whatever lies ahead. Embrace the adventure!


Ruth said...

Liked your thoughts, I am also seeking to be content with just trying my best, and working at whatever it is, and not worrying about what the outcome is. :) Sometimes I think the actual product is what we become as we work on things, and not the outcome we are usually seeking. It's not what we create through work, it's what the work creates in us through the work. (Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me...) :)

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